I'm Keeping Big Momma

Only a jealous, catty woman keeps her beauty secrets to herself, so that is why I'm proud to share with you, right here, right now, my latest beauty product discoveries.

I would never have found these items unless I was trying to become a black woman. As fate would have it, this is exactly what I was doing this past weekend for our church Christmas play. Officially, I was an angel. A black angel. Without wings. (A 4 year-old pointed this out to me when the play was over.) In real-time I am a laid-back, pale, blonde woman, so it was going to take quite a bit to turn me into a dark-skinned sistah.

Having been in my share of mixed congregation Pentecostal churches, I already had the voice and attitude. Just to make sure, I watched Juanita Bynum on the internet Friday afternoon and added a last minute prop: a white hankie. The woman is loud, anointed AND beautiful. Her make-up is flawless, her nails perfect, her hair silky, her skin creamy. Inspired, I decided to scope out some appropriate beauty products. Products, I being a stay-at-home mom don't normally wear, but a jazzy black woman would.

As background information, you should know I had already purchased my wig: a black beehive. (For Halloween next year, I'm thinking I might be a Shirelle, as my wig looked just like the one pictured here, 2nd from the left.) I had also purchased a small jar of Dermablend make-up, chroma 6. So, I had the skin and the hair, but I needed darker make-up to show up on this new skin. Some dragon nails and false eyelashes would be a hoot too, I reasoned.

So, I happened to be at Target and decided to check out the cosmetics section. Well, looky there. Target has a line of make-up for black women called Milani. Gazing at me from the eyeshadow slot was a compact of Panther-colored eyeshadow called Atlantis. "Haa!" I yell in victory. I grab it like there's a mob of make-up hungry women behind me and shove it in my buggy. Before we progress, didya take a second to click on that Panther link right there? Because you have to grasp the color. It is bright, royal blue. BRIGHT! The sistahs are doing it now, I think.

Next, we come to eyelashes. Gosh. These look nice. 100% sterilized human hair. Hmmm...when did this happen? My memory of false eyelashes is playing with these plastic spider looking thingys my grandma had in her bathroom when I was little. I might could actually use these later. So I look for a pair that would be wearable in the future and snag some.

Nails. Dragon Nails. I know they make them, but I don't see any. Instead, on sale for a very good price, are some respectably long ones painted the exact same color as my toenails. In the buggy they go (this is how you can tell I'm from the South....not cart, buggy.)

So I get home and pull everything out. On goes the Dermablend. I try to make myself even darker than dress rehearsal night. Alright. Looking good. I pencil in BLACK eyebrows. Nice. A swath of frosty blue on each eyelid and then I pop open Atlantis. I begin painting my crease with this and step back. Hunh....that's......gosh.....that's pretty! What a pretty color! It looks nothing like it does sitting alone in the compact. I add more to make it darker. There. Hmm....will have to check that out later.

On go the lashes. Ouch. Okay, how do I get these to not stick to my tear duct? Not easy to get them on. Glue, press, wrong, peel off, restick....my hand is cramping, but finally, they are in place and at a level of irritation I can live with for the next few hours. I bat my eyes at myself. Nice Guy walks in and I bat my eyes at him. He chuckles. "You're darker than you were last night," he notices, "lookin' good!" Banana walks in, "Ohmigosh!! You do NOT look good as a black person!" I do a Juanita on her and she laughs. "That's pretty good," she says, "Ohmigosh, mom, you're going to be SO funny!" Lastly I stick on my nails. Glue, stick. Glue, stick. Easy and sooo pretty! Looks like I just had a manicure.

So....I look good. I go to church and do the play. Success. People don't know it's me. My pastor gushes that we need to do it again! Everyone was funny, not just me. It was a humorous look at the birth of Jesus, shall we say. The littlest kids are kind of in awe. I'm kissing them all on the cheek with my bright red lips and telling them not to wash off their "angel kisses." The older boys are running by and laughing and calling me Big Momma. I'm not insulted. I'm flattered.

And then it's over and I go home to my beauty products.

Next day, I try a little, bitty bit of the eyeshadow and it's gorgeous! Brings out my blue-green eyes. Normally, I wear eyeliner and mascara so this is a big improvement. And my beautiful long red nails are still stuck in place. It's been 3 days now and I've only had to reglue 2 of them. I think I'm gonna keep them. Yesterday I had to run by Walgreens and decided to take notice of what else is available. I'm thinking I'm going to try a shorter, French manicure next.

As for the eyelashes, well, they are still sitting there in the case. I'll probably use them when Nice Guy and I have our next date. I can bat my blue-painted, long-lashed eyes at him and run my fake nails lovingly and meaningfully up his arm.

So, who woulda thunk it? Fake nails, fake lashes and screamin' blue eyeshadow. Next time you feel like your beauty routine is stagnant, think ethnic....think Juanita!